Our Little Secret Read online

  “Are you talking to me or my son?” I joked.

  “Both of you.”

  “Do we have a name?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “I’m still leaning toward Liam,” she said. “What do you think?”

  “I think you’ve known for nine months this little guy was a boy and have probably been calling him Liam already.”

  “You’re the one that suggested the name,” she countered.

  “And I like it,” I said. I looked down at my son’s face. “Hi, Liam. I’m your dad. We are going to do all the father and son things. We’re going to fish and camp and invest.”

  River laughed softly. “You’re such a nerd.”

  I winked. “I’m your nerd and this is our little nerd.”

  “I love our little nerd baby,” she said. “Liam Lukas Constantino.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “That’s a mouthful.”

  “I want him to have your name,” she said.

  “Are you sure? You know I’m not going to argue with you.”

  She nodded. “Absolutely. I love it. Liam Lukas. We’re a family.”

  “We are going to be so happy,” I told her. “I can’t wait to get him home.”

  “I need to call Gwen,” she said. “You good there?”

  I cradled Liam just a little closer. “So good.”

  I marveled at my son while she called her friend. I could hear the excitement and love in her voice as she spoke. This was her shining moment. The baby fussed a little squirming in my arms, which I thought was the coolest thing ever. I was in love with every one of his eight pounds. I ran my finger over his hand and was awestruck by how perfect his little fingers were. I made him. He was a part of me. I understood so much more about life now as I stared into my son’s face. I understood my brother’s reaction when his son fell out of a tree and broke his arm. I understood why my mother was constantly checking in with us and always worrying about us.

  “You okay?” River asked softly.

  I looked up and only then realized I had not heard her talking for some time. “I’m so much better than okay. I’m just trying to imagine the million different ways I have to protect him. The world is such a huge place. I’m thinking about buying one of those big balls and putting him inside. I don’t want anything to hurt him.”

  “You’re going to be a great daddy,” she said. “You’re already so attentive.”

  “I’m trying to think how we’re going to get him home,” I said. “He’s so precious. I don’t know if it’s worth the risk.”

  “We can’t live here,” she laughed softly. “We’ll be fine. People do this every day.”

  I looked up at her. “I love him so much. I can’t even imagine what I will do if he gets hurt or sick. I think I’m going to tell everyone they can’t see him. They can see him through the windows.”

  “Babe, we are not going to hibernate. He’s going to be fine. If he gets sick, we deal with it. Babies get sick.”

  I put a hand to my chest. “It physically hurts my heart to think of him suffering.”

  Just then, he began to fuss before it turned into a real cry. I looked at her with my eyes wide. “Rock him,” she suggested. “Pat his bottom.”

  I got to my feet and instinctively began to sway with him in my arms. “You’re okay, buddy. Daddy’s got you. Mommy is right here. We got you.”

  I rocked and swayed while trying to comfort him the best I could. He slowly settled and his eyes popped open. I knew what the books said, but I was certain he was looking directly at me. I smiled. “Hi, son,” I said. “I’m your dad.”

  The baby was quiet, his head slowly moving as if he was trying to take it all in. I looked at River who had a tear streaming down her cheek. “What’s wrong?” I asked with concern. “Are you in pain? Should I call a nurse?”

  “No, I’m fine. I just love watching my guys together.”

  I smiled back at her. “We’re your guys.”

  “You’re my guys.”

  37

  River

  Watching him carry Liam in his car seat was almost funny. Almost. He was being so gentle. He was afraid to jostle him in any way. I was certain there was no budging that baby even a centimeter with the way he packed him in there.

  “I swear, if anyone even looks like they are going to bump us, I will get out of this car and do some damage,” he growled as we pulled out of the parking lot.

  “You have one of the safest cars on the market,” I reminded him.

  “I’m going to invest in a tank. Or a Hummer. We need one of those big SUVs. I want every airbag known to mankind.”

  I patted his arm as he crept down the road. “Baby, you’re going to cause an accident if you drive this slow.”

  “This is nerve wracking,” he mumbled.

  He did speed up but not by much. I was chalking it up to first day baby jitters. First and second day. I was certain once we got the baby home and things fell into a nice rhythm, it would all be fine. I was looking forward to me and him settling in with Liam. He was off work for the next few weeks. It would just be the three of us finding our new rhythm as a family of three. We weren’t putting any pressure on ourselves to work. We had enough groceries to last us at least three months if we wanted. We could hole up in our little cocoon and just get to know each other better.

  We got home, and not twenty minutes later, his mom and dad showed up. That was expected. “You look good,” his mom said.

  “Thank you. I’m feeling pretty good.”

  “I brought you some lasagna and homemade bread,” she said and presented me with a foil-covered pan.

  “Oh my gosh, thank you,” I said with genuine surprise.

  “You are so welcome,” she said. “I remember those first weeks home with each of my kids. I never had the time to cook a meal.”

  “I’m sure Lukas is going to love this,” I told her. “Nothing beats mama’s cooking.”

  “I’ll email you the recipe.”

  I laughed and carried the pan to the freezer. “I’ll give it a shot, but cooking has never been my thing. I burn water.”

  “Now that you have a family, I have a feeling that will all change.”

  “Lukas, your parents are here,” I called out before I remembered we had a sleeping infant now. “Oops,” I said as I looked at his mom. “He went to put the baby down.”

  I heard a cry a second later. Lukas appeared at the top of the stairs with the baby cradled against his body like he was afraid he was going to drop him. “Mom, Dad, I didn’t know you guys were coming by.”

  “Can I meet my grandson?” his mom asked sweetly.

  “You know your mother,” his dad said. “There’s a new baby and she has to get her hands on it.”

  “I know you guys said you wanted to wait for guest, but I just couldn’t wait,” she pouted.

  Lukas gingerly walked downstairs. “River, do you have the sanitizer?”

  “Lukas, it’s your mom,” I said.

  He reached the landing but held Liam tight against his chest. His mom laughed and held out her hands. I grabbed the bottle of sanitizer the hospital had given us. I squirted some on her hands. He was seriously overprotective. It was very endearing. I just hoped he was able to lighten up a little. Here I thought I was going to be the one panicking at the thought of people touching my baby.

  He handed Liam over to his mother, who immediately unwrapped his blanket. “Mom,” Lukas complained. “I just burritoed him.”

  “You did what?” his mom gasped.

  “I wrapped him up like a burrito,” he answered. “That’s what the nurse said to do.”

  “You can wrap him back up after I’ve inspected my grandson,” she said and moved to sit on the couch.

  I understood where Lukas got his bossiness from.

  “Your mom brought us lasagna,” I told him.

  “Oh good,” he said without taking his eyes off the baby.

  “Relax, son,” his father said and clapped him on the shoulder. “Your m
om has done this once or twice before.”

  I wrapped my arm around his waist and leaned against him. I could see the pride on his face. There was a knock on the door. Lukas and I looked at each other. “I’ll see who it is.”

  He opened the door to Lincoln and Mara. This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I said I wanted a few days to settle in before we had company. Mara practically threw the foil-covered pan at me before she rushed to see the baby.

  “It’s a casserole,” she called out. “Linc, give her the rolls.”

  “Thank you,” I said with a forced smile.

  His mom attempted to hand the baby to Mara, but Lukas practically jumped over the couch. “Not until you sanitize!”

  Mara rolled her eyes. “You’re only like this with the first one,” she said. “By the second, you’re just hoping they washed after they used the bathroom.”

  Lukas looked horrified. “Did you?”

  “Yes, Lukas.”

  I tried not to hover, but it was a little unusual for me to have so many people in the house. Lukas and I lived a pretty quiet life. We rarely went out. We tended to stay in and just hang out alone. I grew up in a house with just me and my dad.

  It was about fifteen minutes later when his sisters, Leslie and Lori, showed up. They each brought me yet another dish for the freezer. I looked at Lukas for help. I had no idea this was how this was going to go down. I felt anxious. I couldn’t explain why. They were people I knew. I didn’t know them well, but it felt like I was being swarmed.

  I wasn’t worried about Liam. I knew he was in good hands. Hell, he was in far more capable hands than I had. Each of them were already mothers. They had been down this road before. I was the newbie in this situation.

  I was working myself up into a full-blown panic attack when I felt Lukas drape his arm around my shoulders. “You guys watch my kid,” he joked. “River wants to take a quick shower.”

  I looked up at him. I didn’t know I wanted to take a quick shower. I wasn’t sure I knew what I wanted. He casually guided me up the stairs and into our room. He closed the door and pulled me into his arms. “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “I’m fine,” I said.

  “Are you sure? You looked like you were a little freaked out. I can get rid of them if you want me to.”

  I closed my eyes and leaned against him. I let his strength infuse me and calm me down. “I’m sorry,” I murmured.

  “Don’t be sorry. Are you okay, for real?”

  “I am. I was just feeling a little overwhelmed for a minute there. The baby shower is the only other time I’ve been around that much family. I’m not used to it. I think I’m just feeling vulnerable because I’m dressed like a slob, and I haven’t showered in two days.”

  He stepped back and tilted my chin up so he could look me in the eyes. “You’re gorgeous,” he said. “If it’s too much, say the word. I told them not to all descend on us like locusts, but they obviously don’t listen.”

  I closed my eyes and inhaled. “I want them here,” I said. “I love that they all love him. I always dreamed about having a big family. I want him to feel the love. I am going to take a shower. Can you man the fort?”

  He chuckled. “We’ve got several babysitters downstairs. If I can’t man the fort for twenty minutes, we are in trouble.”

  I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away. “Damn hormones.”

  “You deserve to cry if you want to. Why don’t you shower, and I’ll see what meal looks best? Take your time. If you want to grab a nap, I’ll make sure they all stay.”

  “Why?”

  “Because honest to god, I’m not sure I can be alone with him just yet,” he said. “I’m terrified. I brought him upstairs to put him to bed and he fussed. I thought maybe he needed his little burrito tighter. Then he cried and I freaked out thinking I did it too tight. I’m a hot mess when it comes to him.”

  I hugged him tight. “You’re perfect with him. Never do it different. You take such good care of him. We are going to need to lean on each other. I’ll freak out and then you can after I’m calm. It’ll be a tag team.”

  “You got it,” he said and gave me a kiss. “Is there anything you’re craving?”

  I thought about it. “Wine.”

  He raised an eyebrow and pointed at my boobs. “What about those?”

  I let out a sigh. “You’re right. I’ll have to hold off on the wine until I figure out the pumping thing. Why don’t you order pizza?”

  “Pizza?”

  “I think your family wants to hang out. We’ll order pizza and let everyone get their fill.”

  “Are you sure?” he said. “I have no problem throwing them all out.”

  “No, let them stay if they want. Think of it as us interviewing them. We get to see who the first babysitter will be when we have our first date night.”

  He grinned. “I like the sound of that.”

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  He gave me another kiss. “I love you. I better get back down there before they try and make off with our kid.”

  After he left the room, I sat down on the edge of the bed and soaked it all in. I put my hand on my belly. It was strange to have him out of me. Everything was different. I felt different. I was a mom. I could hear the voices downstairs. This was my life now. There was a huge family downstairs that welcomed me into their lives with open arms. I had a clan. It was the one thing I had craved most of my life. I always wanted those crazy family gatherings that were loud and slightly chaotic. I wanted to have cousins for my kids to grow up with. I had that with Lukas.

  More tears slid down my cheeks. I would be great in Hollywood right now. I could cry with the snap of fingers. I knew it was normal, but damn, it was annoying. I got off the bed and went into the adjoining bathroom to take a much-needed shower. The quick cleanup after the birth had left a lot to be desired. My hair felt greasy which always made me feel grumpy.

  I took a long, hot shower and marveled at my empty belly. It was so crazy to think he was there a day ago and now he was downstairs. After showering, I pulled on my favorite maternity joggers and a light shirt. I pulled my hair back, knowing it would only get in the way if I left it down. I had a feeling it was going to be worn like that for the next several months.

  I put on a little makeup because I needed the boost to my self-confidence. When I went back downstairs, I was surprised to see my dad had shown up. He was sitting on the couch with Liam in his arms. I almost started crying again.

  “Hi, Dad,” I said.

  He looked up at me and I could see the pride in his eyes. “He’s beautiful,” he said.

  “Thank you.”

  He passed Liam off to Lori who eagerly accepted him in her arms again. Dad got up and hugged me. “Congratulations, sweetie. You’re going to make a great mom.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  “Pizza’s here,” Lincoln called out.

  I soaked it all in. I could tell my dad was feeling the same way I had been. It was a little overwhelming, but they all welcomed both of us with open arms.

  38

  Lukas

  I looked around the living room and didn’t see Liam. “Who’s got the baby?” I asked. “Where’s Liam?”

  “I’m sure he’s around somewhere,” Lincoln said like we were talking about my missing dog.

  “He’s two days old,” I snapped. “It isn’t like he got up and walked away.”

  “Relax,” he said as we sat at the kitchen bar and scarfed on pizza. “There’s five moms around this place. I’m sure he’s in good hands.”

  I spotted River talking to Lori. They were sitting on the couch and bobbing their heads. Neither of them had the baby. I was going to be the one having a nervous breakdown. My family was like a plague of locusts descending on a cornfield, except it was them descending on my newborn. I had made it clear we wanted a few days home by ourselves. River and I had discussed it at length.

  After the initial freak out, she see
med to be doing much better. She ate and acted like she enjoyed the company. I was pretty excited with all the free food. We wouldn’t have to eat out or order in for at least two weeks. That was money I could add to Liam’s college fund.

  “Has she decided if she’s going back to work?” he asked in a low voice to keep anyone from overhearing. It was kind of a touchy subject, especially with the dean.

  “No. I think she’s leaning toward the community college position.”

  “You don’t look happy about that.”

  I shrugged. “I think it makes more financial sense for me to work while she takes care of Liam. She can do side jobs from home. I’ll watch him while she works. Do you know how much daycare costs these days?”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Duh. I have two.”

  “And Mara didn’t work very much,” I said.

  “Because we couldn’t afford it. You can sure as hell afford daycare or a nanny.”

  I shook my head. “That’s like burning money.”

  “Is this about money or is this because you don’t trust your kid to be taken care of by anyone else?”

  Busted. “Have you seen the horror stories?” I asked him. “If we have to use daycare, I’m going to rig Liam with a bodycam.”

  “You’re a freak, man,” he said. “I’ve never seen anyone so serious about protecting their kid. You can’t wrap them in plastic wrap. Trust me, the first time your kid falls or hits his head and you rush him to the doctor, they are going to tell you to chill the fuck out. They’ll give you the speech about kids being resilient and flexible and all that shit.”

  “You can say that because you have two,” I said.

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “If one breaks, you have a backup,” I said.

  He groaned and rolled his eyes. “You really are an idiot. You can protect them, but sometimes shit happens.”

  “Not on my watch,” I said firmly.

  “I feel sorry for you when it happens and I guarantee it will happen,” he said. “You running around here spraying Lysol and covering us in sanitizer is only prolonging the inevitable. You have to let the kid get exposed to some germs.”